Where do I start? I could say the beginning. If, indeed, the running commentary I have in my head can still be deemed accurate when referencing distant memories. This past year has been so cool. I have learned so much. And I have made some cowardly decisions along the way. I have come to some important emotional revelations. For the most part, I have gotten past the phase of putting on faces for people. I really haven’t completely ripped the mask off….YET… The mask seems to be made of duct tape and is hurting like a son-of-a-bitch as I rip it off. But I think I am on that last little bit that clings by a string and then has no choice but to let go.
This train of thought started back on a summer night, when in the midst of drinking a very large honey-beer and scarfing down a dozen oysters on the half-shell, I had a flash. It was just on the edge of my brain, and I don’t think I have fully processed it. All I remember is that I was talking about how life was never easy. Up to this point, everything was an insane amount of work and it felt…well, soul sucking, to be honest. Until recently.
At that point, while relishing the taste of the oysters, and feeling the comfortable hum of people around me as the beer settled in, I started questioning the validity of the experiences I was manifesting, BECAUSE they were easy.
Now as I ponder that conundrum, I realize that everything leading up to this point has not been easy. Whether it’s traumatic childhood experiences, or if it’s hurts that have kept themselves buried inside of me from my past romantic relationships, losing loved ones unexpectedly, or any myriad of life events, the road that led me to this suddenly accessible bliss have been full. Have these most recent experiences really been that “easy” in the long run? Probably not. So why am I so mistrusting of the euphoria that comes when I follow my heart?
This is not to say that I have missed out on moments of pure bliss in my journey. There have been amazing moments a plenty. I have many blessings and many loyal friends and family (even when it’s tough to relate to each other). I am blessed with experiences in life that came with the courage of taking chances. I have found that I feel comfortable in LA. I have an amazing support group of fellow creatives at Carter Thor and I have come away with dear friends to boot. I have been busy with acting work that is consistent and meaningful.
In the present, I think I am at a phase in my life where I’m on the cusp of the next chapter~ and I am ANXIOUS for that to start. Only, I don’t know how to start it. I don’t know what I am doing. I have NO idea where I am going. And it’s been that way for 6 months now. (Yet I have been working like crazy! Funny how that turns out eh?) Regardless, I look at people around me, who seem like they have their shit together and have discovered I have this emotional reaction:
I call it love-envy. It’s where you love your friends and family and are so happy for them when they meet successes in their life. But there is a piece of you that feels envious of the certainty they seem to have. Of the success they seem to have. Of their niche. And you wish that you could feel that certainty in your own life, WITHOUT begrudging your loved one’s happiness.
After beating myself up about it, I came to a realization, that they were throwing into sharp relief my own insecurities. I am ultimately in charge of my own destiny. So what choices was I making that was leading me to this feeling?
- I have been procrastinating on my career. While I am most definitely working, I haven’t taken it to the next level. Meaning, finding an agent. Networking events. Promoting myself. Writing more. Why? Because I am not trusting that I am enough. That I have something to offer.
- My romantic life is stalled because I am choosing not to trust that I am enough. That I have something to offer. I don’t trust myself. How can I trust anyone else? Answer: I haven’t.
- My financial life is rather limiting right now. See number one. Why? Because I am not trusting that I am enough. That I have something to offer. That I have put my intention out to the universe and it’s answering.
Are you seeing a pattern here? I am. Trust. Faith. Action. In myself. The key thing to know is that you have to have these things in yourself before you look for it anywhere, or in anyone else you know.
So every day is baby steps. I am getting this website off the ground, switching up the headshots, starting my own production company, and planning on kicking ass on Witch Creek and putting out there that I am officially looking for an agent.
To really effectively cure my love-envy, I have goals that I meditate on every day such as:
Learning how to surf.
Taking a classical Shakespeare intensive.
Learn the guitar. And even re-learn the piano.
Be making better money off of my talents and my commodities.
Everyday I pursue these goals. Every day I live feeling blessed. And I have NO IDEA what’s in store for me. But I TRUST myself to face it with courage, clarity, integrity and joy.
So here’s to love-envy. Let it motivate you to love yourself and get your heartline racing again. Let it increase your love and support for those who are important to you..May it lead you to being your OWN personal cheerleading squad, joining the ranks of other personal cheerleading squads as one big team working together to better ourselves, our environment, and our life condition.
Love-envy in Westlake Village, signing off.