Fall always seems to be the time to reflect for me. Consider this a journal entry of sorts, I suppose.
This past year, I’ve been experiencing a lot of change. Taking a look at my life, change has really been the only constant. I’ve really never had a static, quiet kind of life. I’ve yearned for it at times, but I don’t know how I would do with it, since I’ve never really had it.
Nevertheless, it’s easy in those moments of transition to look back and want to rewrite my whole entire life. Well. Not the whole thing. But a lot of it. There are things that I wish that I had done better. Been stronger about. Followed my gut instead of ignoring that gnawing sensation in the pit of my stomach. I know – already you are saying “But you wouldn’t be who you are right now without those experiences.”
And you are right. I wouldn’t be the person I am now. I think what makes that hard to swallow though, is that there were moments that I actually DID know better. But I blatantly disregarded my intuition and made the wrong choice anyway. Why? Probably fear. Didn’t trust myself enough. Probably an exertion of control via my ego. Regardless, there is one thing I know: I cannot look forward if I’m always looking back.
I get knocked down. I run away. I put up a wall. I hide. I’ve done a pretty big avoidance dance for a long time. It never works for long though. Life beckons and calls me. My story draws me out. Like the Lady Amalthea who rejects her true being and noble purpose for fear of forgetting how to love, her story – her life, took her back to being The Unicorn anyway whether she was ready or not. The only way to face her demon (the Red Bull) was to fight for the very love she thought she would forget. To remember why she was even there in the first place. Love for her existence. Love for the existence of others around her. Love for a life that had been lost.
So here I sit, thinking, retracing my steps. I have felt my life come to a standstill in many ways in the last couple of years. How did I get here? What can I do different? What am I avoiding? Now, I’m being forced to reckon with my own inner demons.
The oddest part of this is that I know I’m meant for something – it’s just taken a really long time to face that I’ve been running from it. For fear of loss if I succeeded. For fear that I would fail and people would see right through me. Fear that I was too late.
I don’t have any easy answers. But this I do know: When it comes to my past, sometimes I reflect too much. And I do have a choice. I can let go or be dragged. So I’m choosing to let go.
I’m choosing to let go of the workaholic woman persona, driven by my inner ID, who only chases survival and doesn’t take care of herself the way she should. It’s now about me filling those holes in my psyche with self-love and self-care. I choose only things I am passionate about.
I’m choosing to let go of the lack of self worth I have felt my whole life. No more. My life is a beautiful blessing. I’m going to revel in all of the things I have become. All of the things I’m educated in. I’m not dimming any parts of me, for anyone, anymore.
I’m releasing the self-punishment of anger and frustrations that I’ve been dealing myself surrounding the decisions I’ve made about my career life. I’m letting go of being soul-tired and drowning in Kool-Aid. I’m now embracing my dreams, following my heart, and walking away from jobs that do not feed my passions and inhibit my financial ability to take care of myself. I’m choosing to feed my creative soul and to serve my purpose in order to inspire people and contribute to making a better world around me. I’m keeping my promises to myself. And I’m looking out for myself on a much higher scale.
I’m choosing to let go of the last year of dating. I thwarted myself out of remaining steadfast for a healthy, loving relationship. I let myself get caught up in a situation, where again it was all about what he needed to have in his life, and nothing about me. This has been a HARD lesson for me and it’s inline with self-worth and self-care. At least it’s done now. Life is too short to be kept in somebody’s back pocket. I’m more than what I look like, whatever assumptions have been made about me, and whatever pedestal I’ve been placed on. I deserve love, to be prioritized, and to be cherished for who I actually AM and for the life I’ve built for myself.
I’m choosing to let go of the regret of all of the things I left unsaid. There are situations where I wish I’d had the courage to push more, to say more. And I chickened out. But I’m not going to live in what-ifs. It’s too painful. In the last year, I’ve learned to say what’s on my mind. Maybe to a fault. But at least I (and you) know where exactly where I stand.
Let go or be dragged.
I’m letting go.