(These are flashback blogs from when I transferred domains. I thought they were worth keeping – this was written during a course of taking 30 days off of social networking and working on my creative projects – a screenplay in 30 days being one of them. I just thought this was good because it dated my experience with the whole “convention experience”.)
Isn’t this beautiful? I haven’t written in almost two weeks!! That means life has been happening and the writing has been happening on my screenplay and not on my blog. Blogs are great, but sometimes you just have to prioritize I think. And that is where I have found success in my challenge. I haven’t felt compelled to get online all the time and waste precious time and energy. I go online and check my RSS feeds and get my news. I check my email. I do my actor thing. And that’s it. When I do make a blip on the social networking scene, there is going to be some scaling down on my Facebook profile page. Those that have not communicated are going. Those that added me for their “friend count” are going. Those who only see me as a network connection are going. That’s what my business page is for so I am sure people can catch me there if they really want to network. I am reclaiming my space and time. So the experiment was refreshing and good.
Project 365 been going great. Still haven’t figure out the format I want to use, plus I have discovered that some moments I want to take pictures of merit a bit of privacy. So that has been happening, albeit only on my laptop in iPhoto for the moment. I will probably post some here or there.
Part of my absence online can also be attributed to John Cleese and Comic-Con. The studio I study acting at often hosts legitimate, major industry players, and John Cleese happened to be the amazing guest we had. What a funny and outgoing guy. I got to speak with him on a personal level and was just blown away at the life he lived to become the person he is today.
Comic-Con was amazing. Last year, I was blessed enough to have received a comp pass. This year I paid. Next year, I will have graduated to my own “Professional Pass”. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it this year, what with the many financial obstacles I have been facing. But the universe provided and I was able to go.
Last year, I got a surprise offer of a comp ticket. I had never been to Comic-Con before and wasn’t sure what to expect. I went online to look at what was on the schedule and saw that Smallville was doing a panel. I figured, cool, that would be fun. I LOVE Smallville. And then I started seeing all the stuff pour in through the newswires about was going on at “The Con”. I had NO idea how big it actually was. On a limited a budget, I found a hotel room in Lemon Grove. And I was only able to go for a short stay, despite having a full four day pass. The time I spent was a total of a day and a half. Not nearly enough time, as I discovered. It’s overwhelming the amount of stuff there is to do and see there. I had gone purely for the Smallville panel, (as they were unsure if there would be another season or not) but found myself caught up in MUCH more that just that. There was other panels, the exhibitor’s floor, after parties, guild dinners. And I had brought homework. No lie. I was in the midst of summer term. Last minute (literally DAYS before the panel), Tom Welling announced he was coming, so I was excited to be there, as he had never attended a Comic-Con panel in the 8 seasons the show had been on the air. What a happy coincidence, I tell you, that I happened to be there on this day. By the time I was done with my whole day and a half of Comic-Con, I vowed that was about as far as I would take my “fan girl” experience. I’m actually usually low-key about that whole celebrity culture thing, I don’t get star-struck. There are people I admire for their work, not because they are a celebrity. Hence, I don’t do the convention circuit. So I was pretty sure that I wasn’t going to do this again, it was a one time thing.
This year, the probability of a comp pass was in the air. But when it fell through, I was cool, simply because I had gone last year. But then, some of my friends said they were going to go, and it was announced that Smallville Season 10 would be the last. And I had made a vow to network more. Then a bunch of friends announced they were going. So, I decided I was going to take a leap and buy a ticket, and go for the whole shebang. That meant four and a half days of networking, panels, lines, exhibits, walking, and general overall chaos. Becoming engulfed in the WHOLE experience. Now, for those who know me, crowds often overwhelm and aggravate me. (I do Disneyland because I LOVE Disney. It’s my price to pay. But I don’t do it much beyond that.) But I didn’t want to judge the Comic-Con experience without having actually thrown myself into it. And again, last minute, (although not as last minute as last year, we had about a month to plan this one) Tom Welling announced he would be showing up again. Being that I already had scored a ticket I was pretty excited. (In case you haven’t noticed, Superman is my favorite super-hero). And I have to say: it was an amazing ride, (despite my car being broken into) I stayed with some awesome friends and filled every waking moment of my time with Comic-Con. And I STILL DIDN’T SEE EVERYTHING!!!! Fucking amazing that is. It took two days to recover. But I had fun. And I won’t be doing the 4 and a half day experience again. Once is enough for me.
Will I go next year? I am going to say yes with this aim: that people will be seeing Witch Creek at the Comic-Con indie festival. And that I will be on a panel, paying homage to the fans and the people who supported us thus far, getting it out there for everyone to see. And that I will also be on another panel as the surprise-last-minute-guest-addition hosted by a TV network that produced the surprise hit of the season that I am starring in. I’m just sayin’……
Love to all.
Where do I start? I could say the beginning. If, indeed, the running commentary I have in my head can still be deemed accurate when referencing distant memories. This past year has been so cool. I have learned so much. And I have made some cowardly decisions along the way. I have come to some important emotional revelations. For the most part, I have gotten past the phase of putting on faces for people. I really haven’t completely ripped the mask off….YET… The mask seems to be made of duct tape and is hurting like a son-of-a-bitch as I rip it off. But I think I am on that last little bit that clings by a string and then has no choice but to let go.
This train of thought started back on a summer night, when in the midst of drinking a very large honey-beer and scarfing down a dozen oysters on the half-shell, I had a flash. It was just on the edge of my brain, and I don’t think I have fully processed it. All I remember is that I was talking about how life was never easy. Up to this point, everything was an insane amount of work and it felt…well, soul sucking, to be honest. Until recently.
At that point, while relishing the taste of the oysters, and feeling the comfortable hum of people around me as the beer settled in, I started questioning the validity of the experiences I was manifesting, BECAUSE they were easy.
Now as I ponder that conundrum, I realize that everything leading up to this point has not been easy. Whether it’s traumatic childhood experiences, or if it’s hurts that have kept themselves buried inside of me from my past romantic relationships, losing loved ones unexpectedly, or any myriad of life events, the road that led me to this suddenly accessible bliss have been full. Have these most recent experiences really been that “easy” in the long run? Probably not. So why am I so mistrusting of the euphoria that comes when I follow my heart?
This is not to say that I have missed out on moments of pure bliss in my journey. There have been amazing moments a plenty. I have many blessings and many loyal friends and family (even when it’s tough to relate to each other). I am blessed with experiences in life that came with the courage of taking chances. I have found that I feel comfortable in LA. I have an amazing support group of fellow creatives at Carter Thor and I have come away with dear friends to boot. I have been busy with acting work that is consistent and meaningful.
In the present, I think I am at a phase in my life where I’m on the cusp of the next chapter~ and I am ANXIOUS for that to start. Only, I don’t know how to start it. I don’t know what I am doing. I have NO idea where I am going. And it’s been that way for 6 months now. (Yet I have been working like crazy! Funny how that turns out eh?) Regardless, I look at people around me, who seem like they have their shit together and have discovered I have this emotional reaction:
I call it love-envy. It’s where you love your friends and family and are so happy for them when they meet successes in their life. But there is a piece of you that feels envious of the certainty they seem to have. Of the success they seem to have. Of their niche. And you wish that you could feel that certainty in your own life, WITHOUT begrudging your loved one’s happiness.
After beating myself up about it, I came to a realization, that they were throwing into sharp relief my own insecurities. I am ultimately in charge of my own destiny. So what choices was I making that was leading me to this feeling?
Are you seeing a pattern here? I am. Trust. Faith. Action. In myself. The key thing to know is that you have to have these things in yourself before you look for it anywhere, or in anyone else you know.
So every day is baby steps. I am getting this website off the ground, switching up the headshots, starting my own production company, and planning on kicking ass on Witch Creek and putting out there that I am officially looking for an agent.
To really effectively cure my love-envy, I have goals that I meditate on every day such as:
Learning how to surf.
Taking a classical Shakespeare intensive.
Learn the guitar. And even re-learn the piano.
Be making better money off of my talents and my commodities.
Everyday I pursue these goals. Every day I live feeling blessed. And I have NO IDEA what’s in store for me. But I TRUST myself to face it with courage, clarity, integrity and joy.
So here’s to love-envy. Let it motivate you to love yourself and get your heartline racing again. Let it increase your love and support for those who are important to you..May it lead you to being your OWN personal cheerleading squad, joining the ranks of other personal cheerleading squads as one big team working together to better ourselves, our environment, and our life condition.
Love-envy in Westlake Village, signing off.