If I don’t believe in Love….

I’ve had this sort of weird realization lately. You see, when I’m sitting on an airplane and I’ve completed all of the tasks at hand, there’s a phase of flight where I’ve taken my jumpseat and we’re descending into landing and I have some time to think. Sometimes I worry I think too much. I internalize a lot. I wait to speak until I’ve formed it perfectly in my mind. (Which is what makes me so entertaining when I drink – that filter gets turned off. And I royally put my foot in my mouth. A lot. But that’s another story for another day.)

Recently, I was on a trip, and texting with a friend of mine throughout the day as I flew, and we were talking about our dating lives. (which I always appreciate because I miss my friends a lot when I’m gone, and I feel like miss out on these little day to day things, so sporadic as it is, it’s like an ongoing conversation we have all day and I love it.)

She was updating me on her feelings about her most recent experiences. I was trying to think of something encouraging and positive to say about love. I couldn’t.

You should know, if you don’t by now, I am a total sucker for love.  I read all the love stories. Watch all the lovey-dovey movies. Gaze at the moon at night and wish that I was leaning into the arms of someone I love as they gaze at it too.  I realize that I’m a hopeless romantic because I love all of these IDEAS of love.  The ideas of finding your soul mate, twin flame, true love – whatever the phrase/intention is – it’s a beautiful thought that something like that could actually be a reality.

You should also know, I’ve taken a break from my dating life since I started this whole flying adventure. I just didn’t have the capacity to focus on it, and also I felt like a fuck-up, on a colossal scale. I really wanted to get to the bottom of it, emotionally. I’ve had points where I’ve had unexpected moments that make me re-think that break, but still I pull back because I want to make sure I’m going towards something healthy and positive for myself.

Upon this reflection whilst seated in the jumpseat of an ERJ175, now I see I’m the Fox Mulder of love. I want to believe. I see the evidence all around me. People who’ve met their soul mate on the internet. People who met their true love in a pub on a rainy night in Ireland. Pen pals that finally meet after years of writing each other and it’s destiny. People who met while on work assignments or in the grocery story and find “The One”. But personally, I’ve become convinced it’s a smokescreen created by Hollywood and the Brontes, Austins and Gabaldons of the world.

Which leads me to the hard truth about myself. I crave love. I’m paralyzed by rejection. Is this why I struggle with the idea of true love, that it even actually exists?  Too much rejection? Is that what makes me certain it’s a fairy tale not meant for women like me? THAT’S why I’m so drawn to the stories. Because I WANT to believe it exists, that all of these stories are truth and possibility.  But thus far, I’ve never been shown true love, and to top that, I’m not sure I even know what it is even if I did have it. At this juncture, I suppose this is where I also point how that I am a true believer of energy begets energy. You get what you put out there. So what am I putting out?

With that energy, I’ve gone into situations and I’ve proven to myself over and over again that it always ends, one way or another, the only way I know love to end: They leave.  I’m always put on the back burner. Possessed and abandoned. Randomly picked up to be left behind. Misjudged for being too unfeeling or feeling more than I was supposed to. Overlooked and undervalued.  Saved for a rainy day.

The most humbling of it all:  I let it happen because I went into it “knowing” somewhere in my psyche that it would always end that way anyway, because that’s all I’ve ever seen love end with. Never the happily ever after. I’ve been too leery of opening myself up and being truly connected and vulnerable in many circumstances. I haven’t been bold enough to say something when I should have. I’ve left way too much unsaid, instead just reading into subtext when really, I should have been blunt and stated what I felt and what I wanted.

Now I feel like there’s nobody left to fall in love with me, except me, myself and I, while we make our way through the wilds of life. And that’s ok – I suppose I’ve become very self-sufficient. I’ve become an adventurer of sorts. I live a life full of family and friends who do love me and stand by me. Make no mistake, I’m very happy, grateful and content with many things in my life.

So if I’m going to be completely honest here, in my hypocrisy of loving love, I’ve been going through phases. Ups and downs. Beliefs and disbeliefs.  I went through a phase of having telling myself that I actually don’t believe it’s a real life thing to be happy and in love with someone,  I took on sort of a melancholic indifference. I gave up on the whole idea. I was okay with it, but at the same time, I didn’t like it. I had a number of people try to talk me out of giving up on love, including a recently broken-hearted Captain that I was flying with and also a vintner in Scotts Valley, both of who didn’t know me from Eve.  A group of us would all be sitting around, in deep conversation, glasses of wine in hand, talking politics and philosophies of life and inevitably the question pops up….”Are you married/do you have a boyfriend?” and then the looks of disbelief and “How are/do you not?!”.  It seemed weird to garner that reaction. What is it about me that would preclude that I MUST already be in a relationship. Do I just have that vibe? And where do I begin in answering that question without getting into the whole sordid history of my very dysfunctional past relationships?

But then, on a cold morning in Gillette, Wyoming, I woke up after a night of a sort of life changing dream.  In the dream, I had an altercation with someone (who I’m not going to name here). I remember blowing up at them. Spewing words that I’d held in for a very long time. When I was done, I felt lighter. Free. I suddenly felt myself start to float up, tears of relief streaming down my face. As I floated, I heard a voice calling my name. It was a very familiar voice. I couldn’t see their face but in my heart I knew exactly who it was but my mind was still struggling.  I felt their hand grasp mine and pull me into their arms and hold me as I broke down and confessed everything I had been feeling. I felt so safe, so wanted and so loved. And then I woke up. And I had never felt so solitary in my life. Not lonely. Not unfulfilled. Just so…. solitary. Like I’m journeying to somewhere and the burden is resting squarely on my shoulders to step into something. What that is? I don’t know.  But I knew I wasn’t the same. I felt softer. More vulnerable. And more ready than I had ever been, to tackle this last remaining hurdle of happiness in my life.

I don’t know how to necessarily fix this existing broken record that’s spinning in my head. But I’m shutting down the voice that lingered in my head for years, telling me that I was never enough. The only thing I can do is let go and let that record shatter on the floor and put on a new one. Be present. Be in alignment with who I am and be loving and gentle with myself. Only put myself out there for someone who actually sees ME, who actually values my heart and my soul and who doesn’t want to break me.

And so until then, I’ll just be over here in my corner, living as full of a life as I can muster, and saving up my pennies to buy my Victorian on the coast, that I’ll spend way too much money on fixing up, keeping up on the love stories written in myths and stories that come to life on the silver screen, and hope that maybe someday, just someday, that some innocuous phrase similar to “As You Wish” might take on a whole new meaning for me too.

 

 

Post Birthday Reflections

It’s a rainy and stormy morning. I’m looking out my window as I write this and listening to the sound of the rain and the wind blow. It’s a sight and sound that I took for granted growing up, but now I find soothes my soul.

This past year was full of ups and downs. I was confronted on some pretty deep levels of consciousness about many things in my life. Looking back, I’d like to think I rose to the challenge pretty well. I suppose you can say I’ve morphed into the butterfly everybody told me I could be. I just didn’t believe it was possible at the time. But I had SO much encouragement. So many loving friends. Transformed relationships with my family. While I’ve done bouts of growing through the last few years, I’d say, this year was THE most exponential of them all.

Taking time this year CHOOSING just to be a single girl finding her identity was the best thing I could have done for myself. For just one year. I wasn’t sure how well I’d do, and it took a while, but I finally fulfilled that promise to myself. I learned how to take care of myself emotionally in ways that I didn’t know I was lacking. My heart became cracked open again. I don’t know why it took so long, or why it happened the way it happened, but I know enough now about spiritual growth to not to question the process. To just be thankful that I could feel so deeply again, because I was sincerely afraid I was incapable of ever feeling that way in my lifetime. I now feel confident that come what may relationship-wise, I will always be me. I will never lose myself again. I respect and love myself. I know exactly how I want to live in love. And I know how much of a gift love is to give. Love is not a fairytale. But it IS beautiful and compelling and worth taking a risk for. So this year, I hope to find love that fills my heart and sets my soul aflame. I hope, in turn, to give that love to fill someone’s heart, mind and soul.
Transitioning careers was a painful process this year. I had to give up many things I loved and was familiar with, to take a leap into the great unknown. At first, I felt like I fell flat on my face. Like, making-a-crater-sized-dent-flat-on-my-face-fall. It didn’t go at ALL the way I planned. But then, life is what happens when we’re making other plans right? Then I learned, that I did not fail. It was more like an aptitude survey. How much did I know? How much did I need to learn to take myself to the next level? I learned how to constantly live in gratitude even for the things I wasn’t planning on, nor did I strive for. I learned to turn my way of thinking around so that I was talking nicer to myself and showing more compassion and empathy for others. I learned that nothing is personal. It’s all just the journey. We all have our own journey to take and we have to let go of judgement to embrace that journey fully. I learned to make the best of what I have, to not give up as I so often have done. To take risks and do something everyday that follows my heart and fulfills my creativity. To that end, this year I am going to finish my book. Develop my blog. I’m going to embrace my career as a writer, and move heaven and earth to live in possibility and abundance.

My personal finances were challenging. I found myself living in avoidance of making any true goals or visions about how I wanted to shape my financial life. This probably ties in with the career journey this past year as well. On the other side of it, I was living in a space of “just getting by”. Always too cautious about making determinations because I was sure they would end in failure and that what I envisioned wouldn’t/couldn’t happen anyway. But then I really cracked down on that, especially as of late. I started watching the way I spoke about money. Every negative thought I had, I made myself rephrase it and turn it into a positive. I made a vision board. I started looking at money as a tool to use to my advantage. I took more ownership of where I stand with it and how I treat my money. And I learn to start thinking in a space of flow and abundance, prioritizing what I wanted to do with it. So this year, the goal is to clean up a couple of messes. To make more money doing what I love. Sell my book. Have faith that I’m always taken care of no matter what, because it’s in my own best interest to take care of myself that way. I want to buy a property. And all of these things are literally starting to line up even in these last few days.

Every experience I’ve had this past year was necessary. I would not be where I am today without them. I would not BE who am I am today without them. For that, I’m profoundly thankful. Thankful for the love of my friends and family, their inexhaustible faith and support in me. Thankful that I was awake enough to see all of the things I need to see. I hope to continue to grow and level up. Can’t wait to see what this year brings and I’m sure next year, I’ll have some great experiences to share.

Only Love Can Leave Such a Mark

2015 was full of eye-opening behaviours of mine when it came to love. I found myself here in 2016, wondering why I still felt like I wasn’t quite feeling settled about it. There is something deep-seeded inside of me that has been gnawing away at my subconscious. Admittedly, while having nipped a lot of behaviours in the bud, and changing a lot of my outlooks in life, there is one thing that hasn’t gone away. And it’s a VERY hard thing to admit, especially being the hopeless romantic that I am.

I’ve become brave and courageous. I’ve become more honest. I love myself. I love the life that I’m creating, despite some of the things that have happened. I’m really embracing my life. I love my friends and my family.

But despite that, it seems I’ve had a very deep seeded truth, or belief,  sitting like a toad in the shadows. It’s hard to convey into words.

However, the overall feeling is that I will never be enough to keep my true love’s attention.  I don’t believe people are capable of being faithful. Does true love really exist?

I’ve analyzed where this starts. But I also have to give you, dear reader, a very BIG dose of honesty about my life. Keep in mind, this is about my experience only. I will not weigh in on the character of the person, nor will I share names. You see, I’m not innocent in this either.  You are not allowed to ask me why I stayed. These things are complicated and I’m not submitting this for your judgement. This entry, is selfishly, for me to work this out and finally let this go.

While I’ve alluded to some of the things that happened, it boils down to a major thing. I’ve come from a long line of experience in infidelity. I was with someone for a very long time, who professed to love me, didn’t want to be without me. But in every “friendship”, every female co-worker, every girl they met randomly,  having sex with them was always the outcome.  It didn’t matter who I was. It didn’t matter how well I kept the house, how much I cooked, how perfect I was.  It didn’t matter how much empathy or anger I showed. It didn’t matter what I did to “keep” him. I didn’t matter how much I tried to “spice” things up. It didn’t matter how much we talked about it. Nothing I ever did was enough. He was always looking elsewhere when it suited. This happened for years.

I was never able to rest in the “security” of a relationship. This was the tip of the iceberg in the many issues we faced together. But I think this is the one that really shook me to the core in retrospect. There was always the girl that came along, that struck his fancy. And I was forgotten. Soon the love I felt was never enough.

You see, this wasn’t the first time I had seen this happen. I had seen the behavior repeatedly in my childhood from adult figures in my life. People I loved and looked up to for my education on how to be in a relationship.

I figured the depth of love you felt in a relationship was proportional to how much pain you had to go through to keep it. That men and women are incapable of staying faithful. That life is complicated so I should stop expecting so much.

So I did. The string of relationships to follow my break-up were with single and attached men alike. I’m finally saying this out loud. I have NEVER fully admitted this. I’m not proud of it and maybe it’s the judgement on myself that has kept me from moving forward. But ultimately it’s because I thought that human beings were not capable of anything else anyway so I should stop expecting more. I NEVER committed to them and never expected them to commit to me.  I would cease immediately if feelings were ever brought into the picture.  I built up a sort of armour around myself to shield me from becoming too emotionally invested.

After a while, I felt even more lonely and isolated because deep down, this was not what I had dreamed about. This was not the way to do it. I’m not a disloyal person. In fact, when my ex was unfaithful all those years, never once did I step out on him. I was faithful the WHOLE TIME.

What?!

Yup.

In the recent year, I found myself jolted. The more that I looked inward, I realized that I have a unique kind of energy. My nature is that of empathy, love and no judgement. For everyone. And in all that time, they never saw ME. They thought they knew me, but if they had paid close enough attention, they didn’t. They knew an idea of me.  I realized maybe that’s how I found myself in situations like this. It became more about what the other person needed from me. What was I doing for myself though? Was I applying that same forgiveness to myself? Was I now self-punishing for all of the things I did wrong up to that point? The shame that I felt in things that I did in my previous relationship?  The shame for actually feeling something and wanting more than that?

Well shit. How do I change that? Is this something I’m ready to take on?

I figured if I can forgive my ex of ALL of the things that happened between us, that we can move on in peace and wishing each other well, how hard could it be that I could do that with myself too?

I want to believe in love.

I watch all of these romantic movies. Everybody finds their soul mate. I see a myriad of happy relationships around me. I want to believe in being faithful and trustworthy and growing in life with someone that is in love with me and I am in love with him.

But here’s where I trip up, because for as much as hopeless romantic that I am,  I admit that deep down inside my heart I think it’s an impossible ideal. What happens after those closing credits?  So again, does true love actually exist?  According to the Princess Bride it does, but that’s only in the movies and the storybooks. In real life, people betray you. People only do what suits them. Love for as long as it suits them. When it suits them. They get what they want from you and then they leave.  There’s no such thing as real love. True love…..doesn’t exist here.

Or does it?

I have no answers right now. I can’t tie this up with a pretty bow. All I know is that for right now, I’m letting all of what I just wrote go. I forgive myself. I embrace my experiences as learning opportunities. I will continue to live in love and empathy and non-judgement. I know who I am. I know what I want in a relationship and what I want to do with my life.

I don’t know love the way I want to. But I suppose the only way to learn that is to keep loving myself and those I surround myself with.

Maybe that’s the only answer.

The Grass is Always Greener (and other Tales of “Not Dating” for a Year)

Captain Picard Asks

I get this question a lot. Admittedly, I wouldn’t mind getting this question from Captain Picard. I’m sure we’d have philosophical debate over a cup of Earl Grey, reminiscing about our youth and lamenting the loss of old-school dating etiquette.

There’s nothing like taking yourself off of the dating market for a year to discover how many people really ask this. All. The. Time.  Some people take it as rude. I don’t necessarily. It actually flusters me sometimes. What I’ve experienced, is if I answer the question, it turns into a debate where the winner gets a blue ribbon prize for talking me out of my disillusioned ways.

I’ve been thinking about writing this blog for a few weeks now, wondering how candid I should be. While I’m a very open person, and sometimes painfully blunt, I do tend to keep a lot of things private. I’ll share with those I trust the most when I find I need guidance.

But this topic has shaped my very existence on this planet. I think that’s half the battle right there. Admitting to how much of an effect relationships truly have had on me. When I look at how I’m of service in my human experience, I find a lot of it centers on my relationships with people. So I’ve decided to be very candid. I’m hoping that this touches others, so they know they are not alone.  I’m hoping to find that last bit of clarity, lay down the last piece of resolve and really put my intention in the universe, stepping into the person that I have been yearning to become this whole time.

DECIPHERING THE BEHAVIORSimages

I am FAR from perfect in any relationship I’ve chosen. In fact, I’ve chosen things that allowed me to hide and not have a voice because I was wrapped in a cocoon of fear.  I’ve run from things because I thought I wasn’t good enough. It’s all I’ve known how to do.

I suppose we can all go back to childhood. I was taught at a very early age that showing your emotions was a liability, that people who say they love you were lying, and that nothing I had to offer was ever good enough to keep anybody around. So I learned how to people please. I was so desperate for someone to put me first for once, I would be whatever they wanted me to be. Many times it meant doing things I hated, but I was so love-starved I didn’t know what else to do. I would be upset when the someone I was trying to impress gave someone else more attention than me, leaving me feeling utterly rejected and abandoned.

When I was 19, I got into my very first long-term relationship, having learned all of these behaviors. Unfortunately, because I was not aware that what I learned about love was rather erroneous, I found myself on a 10 year journey with someone who devalued me more than anybody ever had. I won’t get into the specifics. But in general, there was no trust, no loyalty, and no fidelity. When it was good, it was amazing –  and in my mind completely justified all the times I fought desperately for it when it fell into the cracks of mental, spiritual and emotional abuse.

And I was in love. I really was. I thought he was it. And I fought for it hard.

But in reality – all it did was breed behaviors in me that I was ashamed of. I was an emotional manipulator. I was unstable. I was the “crazy” girl. I did things that were under-handing, emotionally questionable and self-destructive.  It awoke another sleeping dragon of  bi-polar depression and self-deprecation that was exhausting to be around.

It wasn’t working. It wasn’t supposed to work. I didn’t want to admit it. I was so sad about it, I was on the verge of giving up on life itself.


Wake-up-call

It wasn’t until someone in my immediate circle recognized this and stepped in. It was a cold, dark rainy day, typical of the Pacific Northwest. I couldn’t get out of bed. I just….couldn’t. She was my roommate and an Aunt by proxy. She spent a good 30 minutes coaxing me to just take the little step of getting out of bed and taking a shower. Then she coaxed me into a cup of coffee. And then into an outing that was scheduled that day for the local Buddhist chapter we belonged to. Luckily, I was in a place where I heard what she was telling me and decided that I needed to make a change. I always credit her for saving me.

Today, I can tell you I’m a grown-ass woman, and with that comes the notion that I am responsible for my own actions.

But that wasn’t how I always thought. However, it WAS one of the first things I learned.  So while it became apparent that something need to change, it was easier said than done.

The first step was admitting that what I had learned was dysfunctional and truly seeing how I manifested that in the world around me.

The second thing I did was move out of the state. I was fortunate to have a family support system that allowed me to do that. I needed a fresh start. I needed to get away from the things that I leaned on as a crutch. I need to fix this on my own terms.

The third thing I did was break up with “the guy”.  (That’s what I’m going to call him going forward. I’m not gonna use names.)  That took about a year of back and forth before I finally nailed that down.

What followed was very long journey of learning how to stand up for myself, counselors, life coaches and holistic therapies.

And the fourth thing that happened was that I learned how to forgive.

My familial relationships improved. In fact, I made peace with my childhood in many ways. There were things that popped up here and there. And I dealt with them in a much healthier way. Much stronger. More peaceful.

But I still hadn’t mastered how to LOVE myself. That was going to take another few years.

LEARNING HOW TO LOVE MYSELFto-love-thyself-is-the-beginning

It took me a couple of years to even consider dating after I broke up with “the guy”.

My dating life was still a bit of a mess. When I finally took the plunge back into the dating world, I had somehow decided, on a subconscious level, that I was not going to date anybody that I could have a real relationship with. So there were lots of shades of grey that came along with that when it came to who I dated.

I was only going to hang out, have someone to spend time with when I didn’t want to be by myself, and maybe be physical with. Or maybe not. Regardless, I never got close to them. I would keep the focus on them. I would listen to all of their stories about life. I would never get into my “stories”. It was too long and complicated.  People naturally like to hear themselves talk so this was easy for me to just be quiet and listen, never having to open up about myself in the slightest, thus avoiding true intimacy entirely.  The minute they told me that feelings were growing stronger for me, or that they wanted to move into a more committed place with the relationship, I would gracefully bow out.

And then before I knew it, it had turned into an unspoken rule of mine that I would never date anybody for more than 3 months.

In the meantime, everything else was great – though there were some learning curves. I had been living on my own, sans roommates, for quite a while. My career was progressing in the way that I was finding what I loved and what I didn’t. I was supporting myself and learning how to manage my financial life better.  When I could get schooling in there, I did. I found myself in my work as an actor and a writer. My friendships were strong, true and loving. I was more loving with my family. I re-discovered my love for cooking and entertaining. I developed a profound appreciation and gratitude for everything and everyone in my life and that made going through the ebbs and flows more peaceful and manageable. I learned to trust in myself and treat myself better.

In each of these things, I found myself, and had more confidence in who I was.

It was a natural step when I told myself that I was going to be better at dating. I wanted to be better at it because I finally admitted that I wanted to share my life with someone now. I was strong enough as an independent woman, that I could now discern what was healthy and what wasn’t.  I was scared but it was time for me to move past that and really look for a relationship, if that’s what I wanted.

And I honestly tried. There were a couple of good guys there. But I wasn’t falling in love. Instead I still found much of the same of what I was trying to stay away from. And going through the “cooling period” of saying that I didn’t want a relationship with them was proving harder. Now I felt conscious of the fact that I was hurting people.

So this past year I decided to stop dating.  The intention really, was to be celibate. And I was. For a few months at least. In that time, I’d had an unprecedented amount of interest, but I said no. And I was totally inexperienced on how to handle it.  Regardless, I didn’t have feelings for them. So what was the point? I was completely content to be on my own. Of course a crush would pop up here and there, but I’d wait on the impulse and just get to know the person. Eventually, I would find that the crush faded because I was really starting to look at who they were and how compatible they were with who I was and what I wanted long-term. I was really proud of myself.

I was focusing on growing me. I was really taking the plunge with my career, and transitioning out of what I had been doing to “just get by”. It was just another life experience that I was cementing myself in. And I was going to embrace it. I was going to be brave and follow my dreams, because life is too short to not enjoy it.  I took on a second job to help me. I started prioritizing my life to accommodate the changes.

But sometimes lessons pop up that you didn’t see coming.

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 TAKING CHANCES

There is a belief I have, seeded by my work with the public, that people only want what they can’t have. Once they get it, they move on. In this day and age, very few are experienced in longevity, and everybody wants the latest and greatest, with very minimal work and commitment. The same goes for relationships.  The grass is always greener. People think you are what they see on your Facebook profile and in your Instagram feed. It’s the magic of PR. That’s what Social Media is after all. PR.

6 months into my non-dating phase, I was thrown for a loop. I had recently turned down a romantic encounter and was proud of myself for it. Not gonna lie – they were nice, but this person had all of the baggage I didn’t need and I saw some incompatibility. But I was confident enough to say no and walk away. That was a new one for me.

And right after this happened, someone ELSE crossed my path. I was a little blind-sided, to be frank. The more I talked to this person, the more I found that I liked about them. We were similar in age. Though I hadn’t really gotten to spend much time with him at that point, he was someone I shared circles with but that was about it. Despite that, there was  familiarity there that I hadn’t felt with anyone. He was smart. He was funny. We shared similar life experiences. Loved all the same movies and music.

The further I got into it, the more I realized I wasn’t feeling casual about it. That scared me a bit.  But I just let it ride. I didn’t think he was on that same page. But then he made a move, I was stoked!  But I didn’t want to give myself away. I wanted to play cool. Inwardly, I was anything but. Things escalated rather quickly. I got caught up and went too fast.  I took the chance.

Soon I found that it wasn’t gonna go the way I was hoping. I couldn’t fault him. He’d been nothing but honest and clear and I had just let my feelings get the better of me. It didn’t take the sting away.  That’s what surprised me: how much it affected me. Some of it was ego driven, not gonna lie. I’d gotten used to being the one that backed off, not the other way around.  This one though, somewhere, somehow had gotten to me. What I needed to see about this, was the context of my self value when with someone I really did like.

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It triggered a lot of self-introspection.

I was confronted with that age old fear of not being good enough and only being something beautiful until I was conquered. Then I was left behind. “As usual” I wasn’t worth staying for.  It triggered all of those age-old tapes, that I hadn’t quite released.

So I dealt with it.  I put on my tough girl facade. I let that be the one slip-up, all the while secretly, silently hoping maybe it was temporary blip between him and I – that I, in my newly enlightened state, couldn’t have misread everything that badly.

I believe everybody comes into our life for a reason. While I was at a loss as to what to make of it, I did consider that maybe he was just a catalyst that was supposed to help me move past some of my old tapes. So that’s what I focused on.

I gave up the idea that I was a bad girlfriend. That I was crazy when I was in a relationship.

I started valuing myself more. I started LOVING myself as a person on my own, not waiting for others to validate that love for me.  I stopped beating myself up for taking the chance on someone that I liked but didn’t return the feelings.  I forgave the whole entire situation and let it go.  And in the meantime, I found all of those old outdated energetic memories and I shed them like a horse sheds its heavy winter coat.

Now, when the insecurity pops up, I remind myself, I’m the first one that has to prioritize me before anybody else does.

The more I went through this process, the more the attention came out of the woodwork. I was honestly surprised at some of the sources. I soon realized though, it was a “test” of sorts from the universe. I’ve stayed open and a couple of times just found it wasn’t for me.

When you love yourself, others will offer you the same value. You have to be comfortable in accepting that gift but also be secure in letting it go if it’s not for you.  You don’t have to be mean about it. But don’t hold onto out of fear for what’s next. Just be gracious. Don’t give up.

whats-next

I’m fully focused on getting to know who a person is. No rushing in. No casual hook-ups.  I have to take the chance to get to know the person but also letting them fully know me. That means putting some things on hold while I do that. I have to be secure that if the physical is all they are in for, then they’ll just phase themselves out. That who I AM will be just as loved and wanted – that I’m worth more than just my body. Women have had this interesting dynamic to deal with of being taken seriously as independent beings, while embracing everything that is beautiful about them, bodies included. It kind of leaves us in some grey areas sometimes when it comes to our worth in the eyes of society and the dating world.

I have goals in life and I want to be part of a “power couple”. When a man wants to be part of that, he will be. And if I want to be part of his journey, I will be.  Neither of us need to chase anything. Love happens when it happens. And it’s mutual. If it’s one-sided, then it’s not meant to be.

In the meantime, I’ve rediscovered in me, the young girl who used to dream of finding her Twin Flame. Only now, I now have a lot more courage and self-confidence to filter through the “casual” as I make my way through a world of empty physical hook-ups. Now I’m brave enough to look for the meaning and the love that can be in that kind of a union. They are rare, but they do happen.

And until that happens, that folks, is why I’m still single.